With Friends like these...

Sam Delaney has something to declare

My mobile is switched to silent, the hotel phone is off the hook and the room is completely dark. My wife and I are lying on the bed in our dressing gowns, trying hard not to breathe too loudly in case our stalkers hear us. This wasn’t how our weekend break in Dublin was supposed to work out.

I had travelled here on business, but once work finished I decided to fly my missus out for a weekend of rest and relaxation. It was the perfect romantic plan. Almost.

I made one mistake: I told my Irish colleagues that I’d be sticking around. They knew my wife was flying out. They knew we wanted peace and quiet. But they just didn’t care. Dubliners, it seems, do not respect your right to stay in and be a bit boring.

It was just as I’d put on my complimentary, monogrammed hotel slippers and started to run a bubble bath that the first text came through. “Party in town 2nite. Pick u up in cab on way there!” it read. I politely declined, citing exhaustion. They obviously thought this was a joke, because just 20 minutes later they called from the hotel lobby.

“I’m having a bath!” I explained. “That’s OK, we’ve just ordered a round in the bar. We’ll wait,” they chuckled. My wife looked dismayed. I’d brought her here on the promise of romance and seclusion – I hadn’t mentioned anything about a gang of near strangers hell-bent on dragging us through the rigours of authentic Irish booze-bingery.

And so here we are, lying on the bed in the darkness, holding our breath. Tap, tap, tap – I can hear their drunken fingers scratching at the door. “We know you’re in there,” we hear them giggle.

“They’re mental!” hisses my wife. “They’re just being friendly,” I tell her, softly. But the truth is, I think they’re mental, too. Mental and friendly – like a Labrador with a history of abuse. Eventually, they go away. By which time we are exhausted from all the tension and fall into anxious, fretful sleeps.

Autumn mini-breaks are supposed to be reinvigorating and calm. And they can be – as long as you choose the right destination. So if it’s peace and quiet you want, don’t go to Dublin – those people are too damned nice.