The Inside Hoot

Want to survive the world's biggest and best arts festival this 6-30 August? Comedienne and regular performer Sophie Black tells us how to navigate the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Illustrations by Stevie Gee

At the beginning of August, lorry loads of techies will arrive in Edinburgh with enough lights, curtains and facial piercings to transform Scotland’s capital into the most unique and exciting cultural centre in the world. These techies may not feel comfortable communicating outside Doctor Who chat forums but they do know how to turn a tiny Portakabin into the perfect theatre – and that’s all that matters. They are soon followed by a flutter of comedians and theatre troupes, wanting to make their mark in what has become a trade fair for the performing arts, as well as make or break time for performers. Unlike most festivals, there is no jury so any show can go. This means that the hit-and-miss rate is pretty well balanced – with true brilliance and complete delusion in equal measure. And both are just as entertaining.

I first performed at the Fringe in 2006 as part of a sketch group called Fat Tongue. We took to the Fringe lifestyle very quickly by standing on each other’s shoulders to (illegally) put up posters, and devoting our spare time to handing out flyers in the rain. I say “we”. I would often skive off this task because I hated it so much. “If you’re so good, then why are you doing your own flyering?” was a question I never had a good reply to. Thankfully, my two male colleagues were surprisingly dedicated to the process. I realised why when, on the opening night, I watched our audience walk in and, one by one, hot teenage girl after hot teenage girl teetered past and took to their seats. That’s when I knew that, given our show was largely about football, it was probably time to get a bit more involved.

One of my favourite things about the festival is that as you walk around, you realise behind every door, curtain and Portakabin someone is performing their own little masterpiece – either to eight people or 800. It’s a pretty inspiring thing. In 2009, there were 2,098 shows at 265 venues across the city, and it gets bigger every year. It can be a daunting process to navigate your way around, especially if you’re staying only for a few days. Here then, for the uninitiated, are my tips to getting the best out of the fest.

1 / WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES

It may be August but it’s also Scotland. I know a girl who, having worn flip-flops every day in the rain, was soon admitted to hospital with trench foot. Also, wear layers. The temperature outside may be what constitutes winter in most countries but inside the venues it is almost always hot and sweaty.

2 / DON’T READ REVIEWS

Well OK, do read reviews, but remember that most publications, in order to cover the vast amount of shows on offer, employ people who wouldn’t usually be trusted to compile the classifieds. The sell-out board, word of mouth and showcase shows are the best way to work out what you should see.

3 / LOOK AT THE SELL-OUT BOARD

Outside every box office there is a sell-out board telling you what shows have sold out that day, giving you a good indicator of what tickets to buy tomorrow. This is the best way of finding out how well a show is doing.

4 / WATCH A SHOWCASE SHOW

Showcase shows are longer shows with several different acts on the bill who are all performing elsewhere. Mervyn Stutter usually hosts one at the Gilded Balloon, while Neil and Christine Hamilton have hosted several (weirdly entertaining) shows at the Pleasance. If you watch one on your first day, it will give you a good idea of what’s on offer. Spank! at the Underbelly is a bit more wild and raucous and starts at midnight every night. At Spank! less established acts can promote their show for five minutes as long as they do so naked. Completely naked. And they do.

5 / WALK DOWN THE ROYAL MILE

I guarantee that after you’ve done this you will not want to do it again, but you must experience it at least once. Edinburgh’s cobbled high street is packed with free street theatre and desperately inventive flyering. Expect more than your fair share of jugglers and studenty improv troupes, but Eddie Izzard once performed a show off the Royal Mile – so anything is possible.

6 / DON’T EXPECT A SLICK SERVICE

Remember that although, for the most part, each venue is a very professional operation, it’s not exactly the National. A friend of mine was in a play last year and it would open every night to a dramatic soundtrack as the cast walked on stage. One night, the music filled the space as usual but the lights came up to a completely empty stage – a nervous stagehand had accidentally locked the stage door and the cast were trapped outside. Another performer found herself in a very under-rehearsed, badly written play and realised, half-way through the first performance, that her character had no more lines to say but there were no stage directions allowing her to exit. So she did the only sensible thing and her character “suddenly had a heart attack and died”. She lay “dead” on the stage for the rest of the play, with the other performers having to step over her.

7 / DON’T SIT ON THE FRONT ROW

Most professionally trained performers like to spit out their lines, so it’s often sensible to be a few rows back. After a particularly heavy night, one friend of mine was actually sick in his own hand on stage – so best to have a bit of distance.

8 / HOLD IT IN

There is nothing worse than having to leave a show halfway through to go to the loo. But it’s pretty distracting for the performers too, so you will, ironically, have the piss taken out of you on your return. Boom.

9 / FOOD

The temporary burger stands outside the Gilded Balloon and in the Pleasance Courtyard are surprisingly decent and open till late. The Mosque Kitchen on Potterrow also opens late, and does a good, cheap box of curry. Elephants and Bagels on Nicholson Square offers great bagels during the day, and Peter’s Yard on Quartermile is a relatively new Swedish bakery with crusty gourmet sandwiches. For a more leisurely meal, my favourites are Valvona & Crolla (Edinburgh’s oldest Italian deli) on Elm Row, and Blonde on St Leonard’s Street – relatively cheap yet excellent food.

10 / BOOZE

Edinburgh’s licensing laws mean it’s well established as an all-night city. If you want to immerse yourself in the festival spirit and have a beer next to the comedian you’ve just seen on stage then the best places are the bars around the venues themselves – particularly the Pleasance Courtyard. However, be prepared, 2am is considered “an early one”.

11 / GET AWAY FROM IT ALL

If you want a taste of how incredible this city is all year round, take a hangover-obliterating walk up the Salisbury Crags and Arthur’s Seat – a wild piece of highland landscape in the centre of Edinburgh. Follow this with a pint in a proper haven like The Sheep Heid Inn at Duddingston or the Canny Man’s in Morningside.

12 / DON’T GET TOO DRUNK

Edinburgh has the highest concentration of pubs per square mile in Europe, so it’s difficult not to feel tempted. In the same year that “we” flyered in the rain, we were nominated for the if.comeddie Best Newcomer award. The night we found out, we all got pretty drunk. One of us got really very drunk indeed. I remember hearing him get up the next morning, whistling his way into the bathroom and then letting out an empty, hollow scream. As he looked in the mirror, he’d seen that the night before, in his drunkenness, he had got an elaborate henna tattoo across his whole face – just in time for a day full of TV interviews and the awards ceremony that evening. Idiot!

TICKETS CAN BE BOUGHT ONLINE AT www.EDFRINGE.COM, BY PHONE ON TEL: +44 (0)131 226 0000, OR AT THE FRINGE BOX OFFICE, 180 HIGH STREET

SOPHIE BLACK’S TOP 4

GUTTED
11.15PM DAILY

I saw Danielle Ward’s last musical Psister Psycho three times in three weeks in 2007 and I hate musicals! Her new show is the one I’m most excited about, and the cast is simply amazing.
ASSEMBLY ROOMS, TEL: +44 (0)131 623 3030, www.ASSEMBLYROOMS.EDINBURGH.CO.UK

POPCORN COMEDY
11.30PM, 5-7, 12-14, 19-21, 26-28 AUGUST

A comedy short film night that has cult status in London.
PLEASANCE KING DOME, TEL: +44 (0)131 556 6550, www.PLEASANCE.CO.UK

COLIN HOULT: ENEMY OF THE WORLD
4.45PM DAILY

His work has been described as “Lewis Carroll meets The League of Gentlemen”. A truly brilliant and funny piece of theatre.
PLEASANCE UPSTAIRS, TEL: +44 (0)131 556 6550, www.PLEASANCE.CO.UK

SOPHIE BLACK: A SKETCH SHOW
4.30PM DAILY

It would be weird if I didn’t plug my own show, but I think it will be rather good. I will draw a portrait of you live on stage (see tip no. 7) and will even speak to the dead – so you’ll definitely get your money’s worth.
PLEASANCE ATTIC, TEL: +44 (0)131 556 6550, www.PLEASANCE.CO.UK