The Great Pretender

In these magnificent days of low-cost travel, many of us get away several times a year, so why not go as someone else for a change? From minor royals to sneaky spies, we've got six of the best guises for you to try. Words by Mike Peake. Illustrations by John Berkeley

THE CELEBRITY

Hiding behind shades so large they need their own passport, you slink your way down into your seat trying not to be seen – while making it blindingly obvious you do want to be seen. When someone looks over, laugh and say: “You’re not a journalist are you?” Then snort that you’re sick of doing interviews. No one watches anything shown in the small hours, so pick something that starts at 3am and let it slip that you were in that. If they say they watched every episode, say you meant the next series. Continue the ruse as you check into your hotel, and see if you get an upgrade.

THE KIT: Clean clothes, a bit of fake tan, and don’t forget those saucer-esque sunglasses.

DON’T TRY IF: You really are famous (although if you are, you probably will anyway).

WHERE TO GO: Anywhere not too far from the Alps. The celebrity set seem particularly enamoured by the Italian lakes, as well as moneyed enclaves like Nice and Monte Carlo.

PROS: You may get followed by the paparazzi.

CONS: You may get followed by the paparazzi!

THE PEOPLE MAGNET

Wouldn’t it be incredible to arrive somewhere and have folk hanging on your every word? In Management Today magazine, business expert Rakesh Sondhi suggests that if you’re not naturally charismatic, be passionate. So read the latest issue of National Geographic from cover to cover then start telling anyone who’ll listen about collapsing ice shelves. Model yourself on Tom Cruise in Magnolia if you’re a man; or Sandra Bullock if you’re female, and work on your eye-contact. According to business writer Bill Graham: “Eye contact says you are comfortable in your own skin.” You cad.

THE KIT: None – use the power of persuasion.

DON’T TRY IF: You have an accent that makes people jump out of windows.

WHERE TO GO: Hotel bars, museum cafés, in somewhere lively like Rome or Barcelona. No point banging on about ice in Scandinavia.

PROS: No one butting in on you for a change.

CONS: You may find yourself out-bulled by a holidaying politician.

THE GANGSTER

First consider which stereotypical criminal you wish to become. If you’re from the UK, you could be anything from an angry northerner, to a fearsome Essex blonde. Stare menacingly at people in the street, bars, shops and just basically enjoy what happens when people think you could be a bit dangerous.

THE KIT: Three mobile phones, one of those gangland books with the big red letters on the front, and a long coat. The rest is all attitude.

DON’T TRY IF: The idea of being approached by a real gangster scares you witless.

WHERE TO GO: Flashy bars, sports car showrooms, strip clubs and betting shops. So that’s London, Venice and Budapest then – Cork or Bremen probably not.

PROS: Prompt service at bars, suddenly available seats on public transport, invitations to cock-fighting events (it’s nice to be asked!).

CONS: None. No really, even when you’re pulled in by the local police it’ll be an experience.

THE MILLIONAIRE

There’s no way of knowing if the man sitting next to you is wealthy. Some millionaires dress well, but others jet off to their Dordogne bolt-hole in a pair of Gap jeans and 1987 trainers. Yet the one thing most tend to have in common is self-confidence, at least outwardly – so try to develop a look that suggests inner peace. When you’ve arrived, tip hotel staff generously as soon as you can, then when conversation strikes up, invent a story based around property development. A portfolio of 75 apartments hints at a nice annual income of maybe half a mill.

THE KIT: The Financial Times should suffice, but a good imitation watch will also work wonders.

DON’T TRY IF: You look like madhaired US tycoon Donald Trump, as you’ll spend your whole trip dodging bad entrepreneurial ideas.

WHERE TO GO: Paris – any bar near La Réserve, where apartments cost over €2,000 a night.

PROS: The sommelier won’t try to fob you off with a lousy vintage.

CONS: You can’t use those Big Mac vouchers.

THE MINOR ROYAL

Not one for amateurs, this disguise requires commitment in the form of a new wardrobe and a plummy accent that could take several weeks to perfect. But it’s a good one – almost everyone is quietly impressed by royalty, and the chances of you getting an upgrade, being invited to posh parties and all sorts of stuff to do with horses will absolutely rocket.

THE KIT: Freshly laundered clothes: think Prince William-style polo shirts if you’re a man, and even some Louis Vuitton luggage (optional).

DON’T TRY IF: The last time you attempted a posh accent people thought you were in the throes of a minor stroke.

WHERE TO GO: As far away from the real royalty (Spain, UK, Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Morocco) as possible, so you won’t get rumbled. Upmarket bars in Zadar, Croatia, sound a good bet.

PROS: Fast track to the good life.

CONS: You may be assassinated.

THE SPY

A good spy, we presume, would never act like one, but you can play to people’s ignorance of what a spy actually does by acting like what they think a spy would act like. Confused? Good, that’s all part of the deception. New York-based corporate spy-busting firm Murray Associates reckons real spies often have “a romantic interest or hobby, like writing or photography, and may be skilled in music or chess”.

THE KIT: A chessboard, flute, notebook and camera. Next, settle into your hotel lobby and reach into a briefcase periodically.

DON’T TRY IF: You look like someone who might be up to no good. Hanging around hotels with a briefcase could get you into all sorts of bother.

WHERE TO GO: Prague is a good bet. Look for park benches, pavement cafés, railway stations – if anything they’re great for people-watching.

PROS: Real spies will tell you just how dull their work generally is, but if you’re currently an accountant, anything’s got to be better, right?

CONS: You may get mistaken for a real spy.