The Big Fast

Need more than just a massage? With the growing trend for boutique diet, detox and yoga etreats, we sent the rather portly Bill Fence to visit two of Europe’s best – with some shocking results!

T here comes a time in everyone’s life when enough is enough, the body tells you it cannot survive on six hours’ sleep and the candle ends meet. I reached that point back in May. With work stress overwhelming, blood pressure boiling, and food and drink consumption rocketing, I decided that the best way to get my life back on track was to put it through a full, fast and complete detoxification. I am talking diet, exercise, spiritual renewal and, um, bodily waste examination. Seriously!

My task was to achieve a total physical reconditioning in just six weeks, to coincide with my 40th birthday. It was the only option, if I was to ever see my toes again. Right now, you may be thinking about running for the hills. Or, like me, you may seriously consider if you have reached that moment when you really do need to listen to your body.

Undecided between retreats in Devon, south-west England, or sunny Portugal, I figured that trying them both couldn’t hurt. After landing in Faro, I began to freak out. The 45-minute drive to Lagos was one of the most nerve-racking of my life. What was I letting myself in for? A fortnight of no food, self-administered colon cleansing and no TV, email or mobile phone. I almost called for help when I reached a high mountain valley, but my mobile signal had disappeared. There was no turning back. Finally, arriving at Moinhos Velhos Holistic Fasting Health Retreat, I steeled myself wondering how I would manage to survive without ice cream, chocolate or coffee. Yet what I learned over the next 10 days or so, has put me in good stead for the rest of my life, which hopefully will now be a damn site longer.

After settling into sparse but clean rooms, we were all given the once over by the retreat doctor, weighed and talked through anything that was worrying us. We were then prescribed a daily diet of – delicious, it has to be said – locally grown, organic vegetable and fruit juices. Probably the most uncomfortable thing for a company boss like me is the ritual of holding hands with the other camp guests, “omming” and thanking the elements of nature for the juice.

At first it seemed a little unnerving, but after a while became second nature. In the evening, we enjoyed a feast of vegetable broth, or rather hot water with all the vegetables drained out. After a few days, heaps of olive oil, pirri-pirri and miso sauce became the highlight of the day, and we could have as many bowls of the soup as we wanted. Ahh, how I looked forward to that warm vegetable water!

Sleep came early every night at 8pm or 9pm, and a different member of staff woke us each morning with a bell at about 7am. Some would sound it calm and gentle, but it was when the founder of the retreat, Frank, rang it boot-camp style that we all lined up like a military procession outside our rooms. Did he have it in for me, or was this just the wonderings of a man who hadn’t eaten solid food in days?

Frank, from Norway, set up Moinhos Velhos 16 years ago and, at 71, he’s as supple and fit as can be. He teaches yoga, and administers “kinesiology” – a science that encompasses the interrelationship of physiological processes and anatomy of the body with respect to movement.

The days began with no speaking until after our morning yoga or “chi kung” sessions. This was followed by some sitting by the pool or acupuncture, shiatsu, Thai or deeptissue massages. Other days we’d walk in the mountains and try hard to ignore the people eating pancakes in a restaurant along the route.

At other times I found myself discussing “clysmatics” – the self-administered colonic irrigations that stimulate the intestines. What sort did you do today? Was it thick or thin? How did it smell? It’s funny how a group of highly educated, health-concerned people can let go of their inhibitions so easily and talk freely about their own poo. This even led to group therapy sessions where we shared personal tragedies or hardships, to get them off our chest and renew our minds.

By day five I was dreaming about chips covered in salt, with lashings of vinegar, coupled with a Starbucks white-chocolate mocha. One weekend we visited a beach on the Algarve with only our watermelon juice for refreshment, while tanned bodies licked ice creams by the sea. Torture.

On the final night, we sat together in the camp’s teepee, and wrote down on a piece of paper what we wanted to leave behind, then ceremoniously burned it. I wanted to leave behind, forever, the 8kg I’d lost – not a bad result in just 10 days. We broke our fast finally with an oh-so delicious salad, and left filled with positive energy and plenty of nutritional advice.

In the subsequent two weeks I lost a further stone and felt more than ready to try out Karuna Detox Retreats in Devon for a seven-day fast and detox. I still had more to lose if I was to reach my goal. Here, the concentration was even more on faeces and colonic irrigation – we even had to take pictures of our crap! The diet was similar, consisting of fresh juices, and the place itself was beautiful, a luxurious farm with private rooms, plasma-screen TVs and wireless internet. We learned once again all about food – what’s good or bad, what order to eat foods in and what to mix them with. I even had a check up with a psychologist, who was baffled that despite my desire to lose weight I appeared totally mentally stable.

Karuna Detox Retreats was started by Sho, an incredibly lovely and bubbly lady who ended up in Devon from New York, via Jerusalem, Japan, India and Spain. She gives daily talks on food, and guidance on how to live a longer, healthier life, and spends plenty of time with each guest, fostering an atmosphere of open debate.

Days were spent meditating, taking lessons in non-violent communication, having massages, going for walks, practising yoga and watching TV. Exhausted by day, sleep was blissful at night. And at the end of the week we left with home-made recipes for healthy chocolate and smoothies.

Everyone at both Moinhos Velhos and Karuna was friendly and supportive, and walking out at the end we looked like we’d all been through a washing machine – eyes clear, skin shining, intestinal toxins removed. We looked like we’d lost years not just pounds. I take Sho’s advice – always listen to your body. If you get sick, it’s your body telling you to stop and slow down. Avoid taking lots of pharmaceutical medicines, let fevers pass naturally and you’ll be stronger. After weeks of fasting it all begins to make sense.

Now that I have reached my milestone birthday, I don’t feel middle-aged at all – I’m three stone lighter, my blood pressure is back to a healthy level and if only the economic downturn could pass my work stress wouldimprove, too. Full boutique detox camps are like MOTs for your body and mind, and a revelation in renewal. Just recently I have entered a half marathon, when before I couldn’t even make it to the chip shop without puffing.

FOR MORE DETAILS, VISIT WWW.MOINHOS-VELHOS.COM, 10-DAY CLEANSE, €1,800; AND WWW.KARUNARETREATS.COM, ONE-WEEK COURSE, FROM £990 (€1,250)