Something to Declare

Danny Robins imparts some useful festival advice. ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON / SYNERGY ART

IT’S SUMMER AND THEY’RE EVERYWHERE. There’s no point trying to escape them. Am I talking mosquitoes? Wasps? Screaming five-year-olds with ice creams? No… festivals. As more and more new events pop up every year, the shocking statistic is that this summer, wherever you are in Europe, you will never be more than 6m from Florence and the Machine.

This is great if you’re a music fan who doesn’t mind camping and has no desire to wash or go to the toilet for several days, but how about if you don’t like festivals? What if you appreciate adequate sanitation? If you just fancy a nice quiet holiday? Well, you’re out of luck. Don’t even think about heading for the beach – Fatboy Slim will be there with 20,000 gurning clubbers. A nice quiet field? That’ll be where they stick the hard rock tent. A peaceful mountain village? Let’s build a stage and book the Kings of Leon and Dizzee Rascal.

And it’s not just music festivals either – all across Europe, from Finland to Malta, there are film festivals, book festivals, wine festivals, flower festivals, religious festivals, food-throwing festivals and even, weirdly, in Spain a “baby jumping festival” where men dressed like Elvis actually jump over babies. And yes, you did read that correctly.

I love the idea of festivals. I’m just not sure I’ve ever had a good time at one. My vision of abandoning all my cares and dancing naked under the moon draped only in garlands of daisies never quite works out that way. My defining festival memory will always be standing in the rain at Glastonbury trying to eat an overpriced (and by now quite wet) burger, fighting off a strong need to go to the toilet as my feet sank further and further into the sort of mud that would have pigs complaining about health and safety.

So, my advice before embarking on your holiday this summer, is do some festival research. If you’re the sort of person who doesn’t fancy spending your holiday next to dangerously full Portaloos, or crowds throwing tomatoes, check what’s going on in your chosen destination. Roskilde is lovely and quiet – except when it’s full of heavy metal bands. Spain is magical, except when strange men are hurdling infants.

If you’re a festival fan, you can ignore all this advice of course. Have a good time, don’t forget the sunglasses and aspirin. And if you’re a new parent, watch out for low-flying Spanish Elvises.

FLY TO BILLUND, BRISTOL, MALTA (LUQA), TAMPERE AND SANTANDER FROM ACROSS THE RYANAIR NETWORK. VISIT WWW.RYANAIR.COM