Mini Masters

Of his rivals, Olsson thinks the Germans have a chance and it’s true that they’re tackling the course with typical Teutonic efficiency. According to Squire Gottfried, the year they came second they threw their silver medals away in disgust. It’s not quite Muhammad Ali throwing his Olympic gold into the Ohio River, but it does give you some idea of how seriously some of these players take this tournament. “Well, they are here to win,” says Aceman.

The next day, there’s a different mood on the course as the competition gets under way. I’m rooting for the Brits, but I soon realise that the spectating thrills on offer are of the distinctly cerebral kind. After all, once you’ve seen one ace, you’ve essentially seen them all, and by the middle of the day I’m ready to reach for a six pack of local Koff lager and a couple of Valium. But suddenly, after following the Austrian team for a whole round, I get it. I begin to discern infinitesimal degrees of tension and the subtle reaffirming of national stereotypes, which definitely gives the event some added flavour for a newcomer like myself. And that’s just from watching the celebrations of the top players when they score yet another ace – animated, punching the air.

Even better, the other teams in the contest seem to take the presence of the Brits as some kind of personal affront. Indeed, some of them seem to be seething at the mere showing of a team flying the Union Jack, presumably because their sheer ineptitude brings the entire occasion into disrepute. So it is with a certain air of inevitability that our plucky nutters with putters go out at the end of the first day. For the other competitors, it’s time for the contest proper to begin. For the Brits, it’s time to enjoy a few Finnish lagers and take in the finals. “Now we’ll see some playing,” says an unperturbed Squire Gottfried.

As the finals hot up, it becomes clear that the Swedes have blown it and the Austrians and Germans will be battling it out for the title. In the end, the Austrians take it, fondly watched by their four coaches (one per player) and the rest of the admiring competitors. Even the Brits have been let into the club for the prize giving and, although they’ve come last and suffered some opprobrium from the other competitors, they’re happy, if only because they’ve found a player who is worse than themselves – me!

FOR MORE DETAILS ON THE EUROPEAN MINIGOLF SCENE AND FULL RESULTS OF THE NATIONS CUP, VISIT WWW.MINIGOLF2008.COM AND WWW.EUROPEANMINIGOLFSPORT.COM. THE NEXT MAJOR TOURNAMENT IS THE OPEN MINIGOLF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS, ALSO HELD IN TAMPERE, ON 20–23 AUGUST.

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