Madlist

Mike Peake gets back to nature

6 of the best scars to prove you’ve been away*

NORWAY
WOLF BITE
The Eurasian wolf can be found from western Europe and Scandinavia to Russia and China. Basically, you’re going to see one the minute you set foot off the plane. Wolves killed more than 600 sheep in Norway in 2000, although Bulgaria’s your best bet if it’s teeth marks you seek — should Mr Wolf bite and you care to fight back, you’ll win the equivalent of two weeks’ wages from the government if the “pest” dies in the battle.

SPAIN
SCORPION STING
In two parts of Spain, a careless footstep could see you hopping around and screaming. The Mediterranean scorpion lives in the country’s driest spots, while in the north of the country the European black scorpion is waiting, as we type, to give you a dash of venom.

WESTERN EUROPE
WILD BOAR GORE
These hairy pigs can be seen in France, Spain, Italy, Germany and Poland – they’re as common in Continental forests as discarded “men’s mags” are in England’s (although there are wild boar in the UK, too). Your best bet is to find one of their burrows and lay low at dusk. They’ll be out, in groups of up to 20 at once, and if you get in their way… they’ll have you.

EASTERN EUROPE
LYNX CLAW
The Eurasian lynx is a 1m furball of death. Well, to small mammals he is, but you can get him to leave the daddy of all scratches on your back by hanging out at night with some raw bunny draped over your shoulders. Where? The Carpathian Mountains, which straddle Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Romania.

SPAIN
BEAR MAUL
It sounds like madness, but brown bears were recently reintroduced to the Pyrénées. If that’s not bad enough, you can find brown bears in Italy, Norway, Sweden and many parts of eastern Europe. Although they are largely vegetarian, you should be able to get Gentle Ben’s back up by pointing out that his ancestors were made to wrestle for fun in Roman amphitheatres.

LATVIA
BISON BUTT
The European bison is a rare sight these days, but a smattering of these majestic, one-tonne beasts still roam our little continent’s forests. A good spot is Latvia – just get between a male and his lady during mating season and start praying.

*Ryanair Magazine is not seriously suggesting anyone purposely seek out wild animals to chew them up.