Keeping It Real

Does the prospect of another summer of Big Brother fill you with dread? Us too. When it comes to a tired TV format, Charlie Dawson has some better ideas.

You can’t turn on the box these days without being submerged in a reality TV fest – but most of it is, well, a bit crap. Here at Ryanair Magazine we decided it was time to pitch the shows we’d put the mobile on silent and order a takeaway for. All with a European flavour, of course…

RIVERDANCING ON ICE
Dancing on Ice was bad mainly because the contestants were beyond Z-list. They were so low on the radar they included recycled reality TV “star” Ray Quinn, who had already been in that other painful talent show The X Factor. Watching him skate was totally cringeworthy – and he was the best they could muster! Plus, Torville and Dean may have rocked the Bolero back in the day but they’re far too PC to appear on our show.

What we propose is the far more sexed-up, high-octane, high-risk… Riverdancing on Ice! Judges will include Michael Flatley, Colin Farrell and that bird from The Corrs who everyone fancied. The contestants will include guaranteed high-maintenance ratings winners like Katie Price and Russell Brand, with a charity special in which Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are reunited for a dance-off to a Prodigy track.

The original World Irish Dancing Championships were held in Dublin in 1970, and we reckon the city is the place for our live show. It’s also home to the new Riverdance show at the Gaiety Theatre (www.gaietytheatre.com) on 23 June–30 August. The winner of our Riverdancing on Ice will get to star alongside Michael Flatley touring ice rinks around Europe, including Streatham. Look out for Colin Farrell in tight trousers, and Katie Price wearing a tiara.

THE SEX FACTOR
Remember how in 2008 all we could talk about for months on end was The X Factor? Name me three of the finalists. Two? Just the one then? Exactly. Not gonna happen with this new format – Danni and Cheryl in Agent Provocateur lingerie and Simon and Louis (thankfully fully clothed) judging a plethora of beauties who fancy themselves as “Britain’s Sexiest”. Dermot delivers behind-the-scenes reports, bare chested in twisted Levi’s.

The competing groups are divided into women (Simon’s), men (Louis’), transsexuals (Cheryl’s) and the over-40s (Danni’s). The winner gets to move in with Simon or Louis, depending on their gender. In one of the workshop weeks the remaining 10 go to Prague – courtesy of hen and stag experts www.chillisauce.co.uk – where they pole dance with eastern European wildcats with cheekbones so sharp they could cut bread.

While the girls make like hurricanes around the poles, the men are coached by sallow-skinned ex-Communists on how to weight train to gain maximum attention. The final three will join real-life showgirls at Le Crazy Horse Paris (www.lecrazyhorseparis.com), to perform in sexy dance acts like Venus, But I’m a Good Girl and Jungle Fever. Crazy Horse dancers must meet stringent guidelines on the perfect belly button to pubis measurement (13cm), which apparently gives more outwardgoing buttocks – the kind of detail unlikely to be lost on Simon.

GLASGOW’S NEXT TOP PLUS-SIZED MODEL
This might be one of the most genius formats yet. We get Tyra Banks to mentor 13 finalists living in a council flat in Shettleston as they make their assault on heroin chic. There’s a theme tune from Glasvegas and a place on the panel for Lulu. Models will embark on a diet of smoked sausage suppers and Irn-Bru in an attempt to lard-up for that golden Evans contract. What’s not to love?

OK – we’re being a bit harsh. The girls will probably be quite fit and we can get them to meet for their weekly confidence bashings at the fancy Clyde Auditorium (“The Armadillo”), and do a shoot at Loch Lomond in tartan, empire-line dresses. As a special prize they get a day with local personal shopper Jade Halbert (www.the-dresser.com), an experienced fashion editor and stylist who promises to “unearth and polish your definitive style”. The winner gets to model a new plus-sized collection at Glasgow Fashion Week (www.gfashionweek.com). Bonny.

BOOZE IDOL
Saturday night TV for the man who has spent the day down the pub watching Liverpool thrash Manchester United and just wants to feel vindicated for choosing a hobby that doesn’t get him thin or make him rich, but does make him incredibly sexy and funny… drinking.

There is an initial call to action to get prospective Idols down to their local pubs, where landlords have been issued special “Hot Shots” to be downed within the minute mark. Anyone who gets through 10 still standing makes it to the live shows in Dublin – home of the dignified drunk, and ideal programme sponsor Guinness.

Booze Idol judges Amy Winehouse, Gazza and Princess Margaret cull the contestants after a series of weekly challenges until a winner receives a liver transplant and a lifetime’s supply of kebabs. In week one, the contestants (which will include a barking English eccentric, a squatter from Birmingham and a student nurse from Newcastle) travel to Krakow to play chess with different-coloured shots as organised by www.madkrakow.com. On a decidedly more upmarket episode, the gang heads to The Voodoo Rooms in Edinburgh (www.thevoodoorooms.com) for a cocktail-mixing masterclass. Manager Shervene Shahbazkhani recently won the Scottish final of the 42Below Cocktail World Cup and will be representing Scotland in the finals.

HOLIDAY SUPERSIZE/SUPERSKINNY ME
In this gem, an obese greedster and a bandy-legged, bony one from two different countries trade diets for a month to reach their “happy weight” for their summer hols. In episode one, Giovanni from Bologna and Eva from Warsaw take on the fat swap. Giovanni takes Eva to the most rated pizza joint in Rome, La Montecarlo (www. lamontecarlo.it), and feeds her fried appetisers like fiori di zucca (yellow squash flowers with anchovies), followed by their famous pizzas: thin-crust, wood-fired and burnt just a little around the edges. The homemade desserts stack on the kilos and Eva starts to look encouragingly curvy in her skinny Versace jeans. Next up, www.isango.com treats them both to a lesson in pizza making with the Rossi family who’ve been spinning dough since their ancestors first stoked the wood fire back in Naples in 1870.

Moving on, Giovanni feels the burn on the White Island of Ibiza, where he assumes the downward-facing dog with Sylvie Badar at her Hatha Yoga classes near San Lorenzo (www.white-ibiza.com). Later, he checks into the luxurious Atzaró spa (www.atzaro.com), which offers detoxing treatments like hot-stone and holistic fusion massages. The gym, sauna, juice bar and 43m-long lap pool made of unpolished marble not only halve him in size but require security to escort him off the premises when he refuses to leave. Everyone’s a winner!