HOW TO GET A CHEAP SUITE

Friends in the right places
They may bark at you like irritable bloodhounds, or fix you with the sort of stare that hints they hate you and everything else on the planet but, when it comes to your ambition of star-jumping naked across the penthouse suite, hotel desk staff hold your hopes in their well-manicured hands. “Hotel staff are the ultimate people people,” says Wood. “As such they’re suckers for flattery, and love to make people happy.” If you’ve visited before, try a buttery opening gambit such as: “You’re the most warm-hearted hotel staff I know, and you always make me feel at home.” Or send a note in advance of your arrival, saying how much you’re looking forward to your visit, and what high hopes you have of the establishment.

It’s all about the attitude
Shepherd recalls an American family who were regular guests at The Savoy and always had hotel staff breathless in anticipation of their arrival. “They always heralded their arrival by sending their luggage in advance of their stay. The clothing would be labelled and sectioned into days, weather conditions and outfits, with instructions for shoes to be shined. There’s no better way to create a buzz, or hint of your importance – every member of hotel staff talked about it, and they’d always get the best treatment.” Be mindful that bagged-up sports shoes and greying Primark undies are unlikely to have a similar impact!

Get scheming
In recent years, hotels have scented the potential of airline and supermarket-style loyalty schemes in encouraging regular custom and strengthening their relationship with their client base. These can work in your favour, too. Elaine Ellis of Marriott hotel group explains: “We will allocate upgrades and extras solely on the basis of our rewards scheme, and other large hotel groups do similar. Platinum members, who stay with us 75 times a year plus, will always get the best room on offer for no extra cost, and all members receive gifts and extras in their room when they arrive.”

If you’re a regular traveller, focus your loyalty on one brand (after checking the booty on offer across hotel groups). Also, be aware that many hotel programmes offer a raft of extras if you take out their company credit card. The Marriott Visa and Hilton Visa cards offer silver rewards status, for instance, and the Starwood American Express offers the equivalent of gold, with all of its benefits.

Look out also for specific room upgrade programs like Pure Upgrades, where as a member for just £99 per year you’ll be automatically upgraded at a wide selection of member hotels for free on arrival without any need to haggle with the reservations department. Sounds too good to be true? Find out more, at www.pureupgrades.com.

All in the timing
Your timing will also influence the success of your upgrade. Andrew Rubinacci, InterContinental Hotels Group’s vice president of distribution and marketing, says: “If you’re checking in late for a single-night stay it’s much more likely you’ll get an upgrade, when the room would be empty otherwise. It’s a perk that doesn’t cost the hotel anything.” Although if you’re arriving on a Saturday night, you’re less likely to be in luck, says Shepherd. “Saturday nights have highest general occupancy, Sunday is the lowest, then Friday night. Your best bet, especially if you’re a business traveller, is to arrive on Sunday night.”

If all else fails… lie
Ben Feldman is as London-based tech worker who enjoys the sport of hunting an upgrade when he takes one of his frequent European city-breaks with girlfriend Laura. “It’s a bit cheeky, but my usual technique is to spin a line about it being our anniversary, or the fact that I’m thinking of proposing. I’ve found that a fax has the best impact as the hotel will put it on file and it will be read by a few members of staff – it’s pot luck with a phone call. You have to be careful about getting the girlfriend’s hopes up though!”

Downgradable offences

ANONYMOUS ANECDOTES FROM EUROPEAN HOTEL STAFF
When I worked at a large high-end London hotel, we held a log containing the antics of the stupidest guests. My favourite was a couple that called down to reception to say they couldn’t get out of their hotel room. “Madam, that’s very strange, as you have one of our most compact rooms. Perhaps tell me what you can see around you?” I asked her. “Well,” she replied, “I’m standing between the beds and to my right is a door leading to the bathroom. There are no other doors apart from one on the other side of the room, but that has a Do Not Disturb sign on it.”

There was once a guest who called down to tell me that she’d got her pizza stuck in the microwave and it wouldn’t go round. We arrived to find a 12- inch margherita jammed into the safe.

I told a woman to take the “brown line” on the London Underground — she came back defeated after an hour because all the passing trains had been grey.

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