Bedless In Berlin

London's got 24-hour drinking and Madrid doesn't kick off till 5am, but if you really want to see a city that just won't be told when to go to bed, check out Berlin. It's big, scruffy and cheaper than the 1990s - Conor Creighton spends 48 hours in Europe's most sleep-resistant capital. Photography by Steve Ryan

10am
There’s only one way to get around when the weather is clement. One in four journeys here are made by bicycle and Berliners, you’ll notice, have legs as toned as marble columns. Or you could be brave and buy a second-hand jalopy on Pannierstrasse. It’ll maybe last you till Sunday, but will at least make you look local. Now invest in an old cardigan and ditch your iPhone for a brick. You’ll be giving directions in no time.

11am
Many visitors to Berlin get so caught up in the contemporary that they forget about the city’s historical side. The word “Nazi” has become diluted with time, today often being used for a referee who makes poor decisions. But in Germany they take the word seriously. The Soviet War Memorial in Treptower Park is a stark reminder of how nothing in our lifetime will ever unite the world in apprehension like the Nazis did.

1pm
On a lighter note, directly opposite from the monument is an abandoned fairground. You can buy it for €1 if you’re willing to accept the reported €5 million debt that accompanies it.

2pm
Now the Germans love to grill, and they also love the open water. A “Grill-Boot” is a dinghy with a barbecue mounted in the middle, and you’ll find them in the same park. Lighting a fire onboard a plastic boat while sitting in the middle of a large body of water may seem even dumber than driving with a blindfold, but the Grill-Boot is perfectly safe — and, if not, the water’s tepid.

4pm
After a meal at sea, it may be an idea to paddle up river to the Badeschiff. It’s a swimming pool and bar complex built on the water. In winter, it’s a sauna where people skip about as naked as the day is long. In summer they apply a little bit more clothing but don’t stop skipping.

8pm
A “sundowner” is what they call a drink you have at sunset in Germany. A sundowner is quite special, and signifies the beginning of your night out. Club der Visionäre is a pontoon bar along the river. The sun drops, the beer is good and one, two, three, cue the first of your group to say: “Man, I’m definitely moving over here for a bit.”

9pm
Are you getting funny looks from passers-by? It may be a good idea to pop into Barbie Deinhoff’s bar on Schlesische Strasse for a haircut and a beer. Act like you do this all the time — latent nerves are the biggest single cause of scissor injuries in the barber’s chair.

10pm
Remember your bikes? Now it’s time to use them properly. In a nice orderly file we’re going to take them on a tour through Görlitzer Park and across the canal into Neukölln. It’s early doors yet, but keep your eyes peeled for parties in the park. If you find one, skip the next section and we’ll just reconvene over brunch in the morning.

11pm
Weserstrasse is a long spine uniting the intersecting streets that make up the drinking quarter of Neukölln. In recent years, a huge number of hobby bars have sprung up to add some variety to the local dive bars and brothels. Silver Future, Mama’s, Kinski’s, Kuschlowski, and so on, are bars with the personality of art installations. One in 10 Berlin citizens is a professional artist, one in four Berliners exist off social benefits, and the average German drinks half a litre of beer a day. If you ever find yourself in a city where everyone else is either an artist or two days away from the breadline, then the best bet is not to try to sell more art, but instead to sell beer.

4am
Exactly… you didn’t see that coming. Neukölln is like a fairground attraction that spits you out through a different door into a different time zone. Time travel makes you hungry. You can get a €1 falafel at Al-Andalos on Sonnenallee. But be quick, we have to bike across town again to the clubs. Maybe you’ve heard of Berghain? It’s considered one of the best clubs in the world and stays open all weekend. You probably won’t get in right now — you still look too clean. Tomorrow you’ll have a better chance and, besides, right now we’re going to Watergate for sunrise. It’s a club built on the riverfront with ceiling lights that make you feel like you’re inside an old Nokia. By now you should have made the switch from beer to harder stuff. Vodka shots, Jägermeisters and Club-Mate (a caffeinated soft drink) made hard with a dash of vodka — these are your poisons.

10am
Time for brunch in Friedrichshain. Anywhere around Simon-Dach-Strasse is a good bet. Don’t forget to jump in a photo booth en route. This is something you want to remember, and black and white is the only way you will want to be shot after a night of dancing.

12pm
Friedrichshain has the greatest concentration of students in Berlin. Watch out for the living dead coming back from nights out as you stroll the streets. Boxhagener Platz market is a decent way to kill an afternoon, or indeed if you’re looking for a present to bring back for the boyfriend you never invited on this trip.

3pm
If your little cycling legs are up for it, you could always go spend an hour listening to open-air karaoke at Mauerpark. Or try something a little more highbrow at the Hamburger Bahnhof museum in Mitte.

6pm
Drift through the Tiergarten on your way back across town keeping your eyes peeled for more German naturists. Acting cool among naked Germans is the perfect practice for Berghain, and now is the perfect time for a tourist like yourself to get into the place.

7pm
Berghain. Organise a meeting point and make sure your phones are charged and your clocks synchronised. This is not a drill, soldier.

1am
Well, that was an experience. Time to bike over the bridge into Kreuzberg and get something to eat. Bagdad is a Kreuzberg institution. So is the One Euro pizza parlour next door. Eat everything as you deserve it. But don’t be a pig, you might not have thought it at first glance but this is a prime pickup spot in Berlin as fragile clubbers look for company and someone to split the taxi fare home.

2am
Falckensteinstrasse round the corner is home to some of the most dedicated little drinking holes in town. Specials for €1, and bar staff who won’t understand English but at the same time won’t bat an eyelid if you slip off your chair or pee in your shoe.

5am
Grab your coat, we’re on the last leg. While you’re at it, take a look at your wallet. Magic, isn’t it? You’ve spent less in Berlin than you did at the airport. Along the canal at the Maybachufer is the perfect place to watch your final sunrise. Red-eyed, dirty fingered and convinced the person next to you is in pyjamas dragging a drip alongside them, don’t worry, you haven’t been admitted to hospital but you’re right outside one.

6am
As the sun rises up over Berlin ushering in a new day of adventure, possibility and parties, rest easy in the knowledge that although your Ryanair flight is just a couple of hours away, you knew weeks before you came here that you would never leave anyway.